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24 July 2009

Flathead Memo’s Dictionary of Democratic Dogs

There's a group of Congressional Democrats, the Blue Dog caucus, that is, I'm sorry to say, dogging it when it comes to health care reform. And that's the kindest possible description of their dilatory tactics and incoherent policy announcements. But they're not the only species of Democratic dogs. There are others, so here, for your convenience, is a limited guide to a species that's not always humankind's best friend:

Attack Dog Democrat. New. An endangered species that may suffer extinction when James Carville dies.

Blue Dog Democrat. A Democrat with a voting record that, while disgracefully conservative, is more liberal than any Republican who might replace him. Often exhibits an incoherent piety.

Bull Dog Democrat. New. An elected official who talks the Democratic talk, but votes the Republican walk. Closely related to Blue Dog and Red Dog Democrats. Sometimes called a Hot Dog Democrat for being a real weenie.

Dead Dog Democrat. New. A Democratic candidate who when attacked turns the other cheek instead of hitting back, thereby gaining another black eye while losing his self-respect and the election. Greatly admired by the confrontation averse Kumbaya wing of the party.

Dean Dog Democrat. New. Just what the doctor ordered for restoring the party’s health: a Democrat from the Democratic wing of the party who knows how and when to give ‘em hell, and isn’t afraid to do it. His bark greatly embarrasses Whipped Dog Democrats, and causes Kumbayacrats to wince.

Dirty Dog Democrat. New. A Democrat who votes with Republicans on important issues such as Medicare “reform,” thereby selling his fellow Democrats down the river.

Lap Dog Democrat. New. A Democratic activist with a misguided sense of party loyalty who criticizes Dirty Dog Democrats in private, where his complaints do the Dirty Dogs no harm.

Red Dog Democrat. A subset of Blue Dog Democrats from states, such as Montana, that voted for the Republican candidate for President. Often afflicted with a terminal case of the desperately seeking bipartisanship syndrome.

Show Dog Democrat. New. An image obsessed candidate who believes that losing elections with a gentleman’s dignity is less shameful than winning elections with a street brawler’s pugnacity.

Sleeping Dog Democrat. New. A species of superannuated politician, most often found in the U.S. Senate, that intends to die in office, and, when momentarily roused from slumber, mumbles eternal gratitude to Divine Providence and the voters for being accorded the honor. Carl Hayden, Robert Byrd.

Watchdog Democrat. New. A Democratic Activist who growls, barks, and bites when Dirty Dog and Whipped Dog Democrats sell their constituents down the river.

Whipped Dog Democrat. New. A Congressional species short on conviction and courage that grovels at the feet of Republican Presidents instead of barking at bad Republican policy.

Yellow Dog Democrat. A diehard Democrat who will vote for any Democrat, even a stinking yellow dog. His reputation is tainted, but his loyalty is commendable.