2 August 2018

Updated Dictionary of Democratic Dogs

I first compiled this list nine years ago when Dirty Dog Democrats were gutting the Affordable Care Act.

There’s a species of congressional Democrats, the Blue Dog caucus, that, I’m sorry to say, sometimes dogs it when confronted with the opportunity to cast a progressive vote. And that’s the kindest possible description of their dilatory tactics and incoherent policy announcements. But they’re not the only Democratic dogs. There are others, so here, for your convenience, is a limited guide to a species that’s not always humankind’s best friend:

Attack Dog Democrat. An endangered species that may suffer extinction when James Carville dies.

Bernie Dog Democrat. A candidate who tries to win by embracing ideas that unite instead of pandering to identities that divide.

Blue Dog Democrat. A Democrat with a voting record that, while disgracefully conservative, is more liberal than any Republican who might replace him. Often exhibits an incoherent piety.

BS Dog Democrat. An elected official who talks the Democratic talk, but votes the Republican walk. Closely related to Blue Dog and Red Dog Democrats. Sometimes called a Hot Dog Democrat for being a real weenie.

Civility Dog Democrat. A candidate who believes that losing elections with a gentleman’s dignity is less shameful than winning elections with a street brawler’s pugnacity.

Dead Dog Democrat. A Democratic candidate who when attacked turns the other cheek instead of hitting back, thereby gaining another black eye while losing his self-respect and the election. Greatly admired by the confrontation averse wing of the party.

Dean Dog Democrat. Just what the doctor ordered for restoring the party’s health: a Democrat from the Democratic wing of the party who knows how and when to give ‘em hell, and isn’t afraid to do it. His bark greatly embarrasses Whipped Dog Democrats, causing them to cringe, cower, and cry.

Dirty Dog Democrat. A Democrat who votes with Republicans on important issues such as Medicare “reform,” thereby selling his fellow Democrats down the river.

Franken Dog Democrat. An effective Democratic legislator who is hounded out of office by his self-righteous, and pusillanimous, colleagues after he’s been accused of having eyes for, and making passes at, the ladies, and before he’s given a chance to defend himself.

Identity Dog Democrat. A Democrat who loses elections by pandering to identities that divide instead of embracing ideas that unite. Sometimes called a Hillary Dog Democrat.

Joe Dog Democrat. A corporate collusionist from Connecticut who endorses the Republican nominee for president while evincing an unshakable belief that he’s morally superior to all other Democrats.

Lap Dog Democrat. A Democratic activist with a misguided sense of party loyalty who criticizes Dirty Dog Democrats in private, where his complaints do the Dirty Dogs no harm.

Red Dog Democrat. Blue Dog Democrats from states that voted for the Republican candidate for President. Often afflicted with a terminal case of the desperately seeking bipartisanship syndrome.

Sleeping Dog Democrat. A species of superannuated politician, most often found in the U.S. Senate, that intends to die in office, and, when momentarily roused from slumber, mumbles eternal gratitude to Divine Providence and the voters for being accorded the honor. Carl Hayden, Robert Byrd, possibly Dianne Feinstein if re-elected.

Trump Dog Democrat. A red state Democrat who tries to inoculate himself against Trump’s Tweets by voting for Trump’s nominees for judicial and cabinet posts.

Watchdog Democrat. A Democratic activist who growls, barks, and bites when double-dealing Democrats sell their constituents down the river.

Whipped Dog Democrat. A Congressional species short on conviction and courage that grovels at the feet of Republican Presidents instead of barking at bad Republican policy.

Yellow Dog Democrat. A diehard Democrat who will vote for any Democrat, even a stinking yellow dog. His reputation is unenviable, but his loyalty is commendable.