1 April 2019 — 0705 mft
Reports that Charles Koch converted to Democratic Socialism
send libertarians reeling and lunging for smelling salts and Valium
NEW COCKAYNE, HANS. “It was as though Jesus Christ had embraced Satanism,” quavered libertarian author Ann Wrandlite. “I snorted the salts, washed down two Valiums with Old Crow, and fell to my knees crying ‘say it ain’t so, Charles.’ I would have prayed, but I’m an atheist.”
Wrandlite’s breakdown was triggered by a Faux News report that multibillionaire Charles Koch, the flinty funder of uncompromising libertarian organizations and skeptic of majority rule, had experienced political and moral epiphanies and defected to the camps of Democratic Socialists Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “I saw homeless people shivering under a bridge,” Faux says Koch said, “and realized that if paid higher taxes, I could help those wretches. I saw the light!”
“I think he saw the hypnotist,” scoffed talk radio’s Cal Hoon. “We need to get him deprogrammed even if we have to kidnap him to do it.” Hoon urged Wrandlite to stay her faith — and to stay away from ammonium carbonate, diazepam, and ethanol. “We can get through this without embalming ourselves.”
“I want to believe Cal,” trembled Wrandlite, “but Faux has such a reputation for being fair and balanced that I just can’t. I’m terrified that a Maker has joined the Takers. Mein Gott! What a horrible outcome.”
Wrandlite may not be the only libertarian experiencing discombobulation and a crisis of faith. Social media websites are rife with postings that emergency rooms, especially in the old Confederacy states, are experiencing spikes of admissions for ammonia inhalant poisoning and overdoses of benzodiazepines. “They’re stumbling in here, stoned, drunk, eyes glazed, wearing red MAGA caps, and wailing ‘the moochers have brainwashed Charles,’” said an anonymous physician. “Some members of the hospital board have asked ALEC to send grief counselors.”
Political scientist Richard Hawfstaider, who studies fringe political movements, noted that if Faux’s reports prove false, the hysterical reaction to the news reveals a lack of resolve and confidence among libertarians that could dismay and anger Koch. “He may express his displeasure in their panic and taking refuge in pharmaceutical cocoons by cutting off funding to Wranlite and others. It may be a lose-lose situation.”
Except on Wall and Main Streets. The Great Free Enterprise System responded to Faux’s report and the increase in emergency room traffic with a bull market for drug producers and distillers of intoxicating spirits. Apothecaries and saloon keepers increased their prices for Valium and bourbon, a trend that may render the Wrandlite reaction unaffordable, attenuate the run on emergency rooms, and affirm the self-correcting property of economic liberty that fuels the nation.