19 January 2022

MT’s best hunting idea since that spear hunting bill

An Exciting Alternative to Gianforte’s Grisly Grizzly Proposal

Guest essay by Jim Smith

Gov. Greg Gianforte’s has put forward a petition to remove most Montana grizzly bears from federal Endangered Species Act protection. This petition claims the Northern Continental Divide Ecosystem grizzly bear population is ready to survive under state management. Not so subtlety pushed in this proposal is the desire to allow trophy grizzly bear hunting, most likely in the Bob Marshall Wilderness. Gianforte even intimated that when permits to hunt grizzlies are a reality, he will be applying for one.

Since this is clearly a personal desire of his, we would like to offer an alternate win-win proposal to the Governor’s idea. How about we allow catch and release hunting of all predators in Montana? Instead of the grisly slaughter of animals, like we have today with wolves, we develop this new and exciting adventure program. One of our illustrious legislators can introduce a bill and FWP can administer it. We could call it the Catch-and-Release All Predators (CRAP) bill.

We see it going something like this: Under the CRAP bill the person wishing to do catch and release hunting would first have to build a resume of experience with smaller predators before being allowed going after bigger game. And in order to move on to the next level, you have to show FWP a thirty second video or five still photos of yourself holding the animal and giving it a noogie.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this term, a noogie is a hard poke or grind with the knuckles, especially on the head.So this takes some skill and strength, wrestling with a wild animal, to say nothing of stalking thought the underbrush, clothed only in your sneakers, loin cloth and grappling gloves being ready to leap at any second on the unsuspecting prey. But, hey, no risk, no reward.

These permits could be called the CRAP He-Man permits. The first level would be Novice He-Man. The Novice He-Man would have to catch, noogie and release three animals – a skunk, a bobcat, and a badger - to complete this permit stage. For each successful encounter you would be given a badge – a Skunk Badge, a Bobcat Badge, and last but not least, a Badger Badge. Having earned these badges you would be allowed to move on to the next level – the Junior He-Man.

To complete this level the Junior He-Man would have to catch and release either a lynx or a wolverine, again providing either a thirty second video or five still photos giving a noogie to the animal. Now, we all know how hard it is to find a lynx or a wolverine, but, hey, that’s why they call it hunting! So now you have added a Lynx Badge or Wolverine Badge to your collection. Once you have completed this level, and been certified by FWP, you can move on to level three of the CRAP He-Man permits, the Real He-Man level.

To complete this level the Real He-Man has to catch and release either a mountain lion or a black bear again providing either a thirty second video or five still photos giving a noogie to the animal. How exciting, another badge, a Bear Badge, or a Puma Badge. How cool is that!

By the way, all animals must be adults, and no dogs or baiting allowed, in the spirit of fair chase. Also, no weapons of any kind can be used during the use or pursuit of any He-Man permit fulfillment. Now that you have completed the first three levels of He-Man permits, you will be allowed to enter a drawing for that ultimate permit, the Super-Duper He-Man permit, which allows the catch and release of a grizzly bear. Talk about a precious commodity. These will be sought after far and wide! The Super-Duper He-Man permit will only be allowed one time in any hunter’s life. But think of the fame that will go with it! And, if successful, you will have the best badge of all, the Grizzly Badge!

We are sure several Republican legislators will jump on the band wagon to push this bill through, even if it is at the last minute of the next session as a rider to some completely unrelated enactment. But really, it should have no problems. They can promote it as a jobs bill. Think of all the animal wrestling courses that will pop up, and companies making loin cloths, grappling gloves, and sprays to remove human scent. And apps for your smart phone to help correctly identify the tracks and other spoor of the animal being pursued. It’s really exhilarating to think about.

So, there it is Governor, a win-win for you and every other Super-Duper He-Man wanna be! We know Mrs. Gianforte will be with you every step of the way, taking those videos and still photos so it will all be part of your hunting legacy, mounted on the wall right next to your puma skin and the hide and skull of the collared wolf you shot while it was in a trap down by Yellowstone Park. What a man! Right up there with Jim Bridger, Kit Carson, Davey Crockett, and Daniel Boone. Hey, maybe the Boone and Crockett Club would change their name to the Boone, Gianforte, and Crockett club. Wow! One can only dream!

Jim Smith, M.A., Helena, is a long-time social activist, retired from working in the private sector. He served seven years on the Board of the Montana Veterans Foundation and was a founding member of Montana Project Healing Waters Fly Fishing (PHWFF).